Today was that kind of day.
Yesterday I was grumpy. Yesterday I was overwhelmed.. you know.. I blog a fair bit and I think I share a fair bit.. but I dont actually break down the ridiculous number of things in my day. Mostly because I think they people who read do similar numbers of things and it would seem pointless. LOL But.. for those of you missing the action between the lines.. I am running PWL .. having just rebranded.. I am working 5 days a fortnight at the govt in a good job in IT/ICT and education.. and I have the storyboards/your image. my edit. plus the two boys.. the big one and the lil one ;)
For the last 3 weeks I have been trying to NOT STRESS... not overload.. not take on too much.. re-evaluating.. and to be honest I thought I was doing good!
Andrew had me take some online quizzes.. (nothing better than a google diagnosis..hahaha) and apparently I am stressed. I am borderline breakdown.. I am likely to be depressed (hey not everyone gets my jokes).. and I am facing burn out ..SOONER rather than later.. (depending on the test..some thought I was already a dripping candle!)
I agreed to try cutting back.. to saying no.. to not taking it all on board. But .. I have to add.. I am not stressed. Stressed to me would be throwing a tantrum.. freaking out.. having a panic attack.. generally being miserable.. I am not any of these things. I am busy. I am organised. SURE I can account for every 10 minute block of my day from now until LATE october.. but.. that isnt stressed.
After a fabulous weekend away with my husband.. I relaxed. I actually chilled out. Yesterday I was overcome with a wave of TO DOs.. i felt overwhelmed.. i felt panicky.. I felt like it was ALL too much.. I actually got cross with andrew for using a tea towel he found in the pantry (yep i did!) It was one of Mums she had bought over with some baking and I had put it there neat and folded to return... tea towels live in the linen cupboard. NOW I had to wash Mum's dry it... fold it again .. GOSH the things he makes me do! DO I NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO DO.. sound rational? Cause not. ..was I wrong and pathetic and miserable and sad.. YEP!
and i noticed this was me normally.. vs how chilled and calm i felt over the weekend... Mmmmm!
Fast forward to today... planning meeting at work.. I put on my suit.. freaked out about the house and started rambling to do lists outloud whilst sending out storyboards, answering emails, reading blogs, eating toast and instructing everyone ... and raced to work a titch later than planned. (and I planned it last thursday!). **groan**
Just before the meeting I was told I wasnt given a project in the new round of projects.. instead I would be working on the learning community I manage.. the projects I have been working on needed to be ... transitioned.. and the communication role was still mine.. as well as some support activities around the new projects.. and the writing position I had was still to be completed. (i work 5 days a fortnight and have far toooo many roles).
RIGHT.... NO project.. kind of a problem really.. given I am a Project Officer! Follow up that gem with.. the contract that was supposed to be extended..(i was told so last week) now may not be (gosh really and after I didnt get a project that is coming as a real shock).. (did i mention how sarcastic I can be?) and I could apply for another job at my level... which I wouldnt neccessarily get but I would be in with a good chance. Mmm It is full time. WHY would that be a problem?
So.. I found all this out.. RIGHT as the planning day began. No chance to leave.. to process to cry yell scream object or .. you know.. something appropriate for someone of my level.. like a calm and rational response. After several hours of discussing project management.. for which I do not have a project. It dawned on me.. I liked working here... under my old boss.. this new situation however feels a lil like walking on wet moss.. very slippery and changes are too rapid.
I am stressed.. sick... tired.. grumpy .. and frankly.. i wouldnt want to live with me. What kind of wife am I? If I carry on over a tea towel... I love my boys. I want to say thank you for doing the dishes.. not.. What about that tea towel? I want to teach lochie to read. I want to take photographs. I want to make dinner. I want lochie to grow more plants and learn about herbs. I want to excercise. I want to breathe. I want to go to the bike park. I want to catch bugs in bug catchers and watch them with Lochie. I want to lay on the deck and read books to him more often. I want to play pooh sticks in the rain.
AND I do these things..but not everyday. And I want to. I want to be a better wife and mother. I want to be a better daughter and friend. I want to be a better photographer. I dont want to be sick.
I dont want to sit here on August 28th and look forward to September 15th because it is the next day I get to do something for me. (which will be mega fun btw - I am shooting the flower festival with Sharon again).
So I did some math... I pay ALOT of my pay out in child care. If I have to find another job.. i would pay about 2/3 of my pay in tax and childcare. WHY BOTHER? If I pull lochie from care - he wont get the opportunities that school provides though.. and as an only child I can see the benefits. I also think it will help him settle into school later on.. and he could do with the structured day. (something i suck at providing). I would also struggle to get him back in if I pulled him (he goes Tues, Wed, Thurs,.. the most popular days). I spoke to school this afternoon though and they have said if I keep the Wed - they will find a space on Mon and Fri if I need it.
NOT working somewhere else would also provide me more time to focus on the photography business.. and I could use the wednesdays for baby shoots and families on holidays etc. I also have a couple of brides very keen for me to shoot their wedding and I am not so keen to do so because of the time factor (and the stress!) but.. maybe if I wasnt also working elsewhere??
I phoned Andrew and told him what had occured and said... I am not looking for another job for a while. I want to focus on Lochie and Painted with Light. He .. being him... said.. Thats a great idea sweetheart.. I am really proud of you.. you will do well at it and you take GREAT photos...
I love that man.. sure he uses the wrong teatowel but he is my best friend.
So... I give up!
When my contract expires.. I am not looking elsewhere. I am going to be a Mum. I am going to sign Lochie and I up for educational experiences and some fun ones. I am going to teach him how to read.. and I am going to have some fun. I am going to have a few more shoot spots available.. and I am going to breathe..
and .. it will all be OK. and .. it feels so good!
(no doubt it will feel odd at first but still.. it feels good too).
AND... I have been asked by some people about running an online workshop/course in editing and workflow.. if anyone is interested.. I will do a seperate post about it.. let me know!
No pics today.. just some revelations.